You Can Drive Your Child Sane

I remember seeing a famous psychologist, Haim Ginott, on the old "Tonight Show" with Johnny Carson when I was a teenager.  In an amusing way, he encouraged parents to "drive their child sane".   He described the following scenario:

A man takes his son to the ice cream shop.  He orders an ice cream cone for the boy.  The store owner prepares the cone and is about to hand it to the little fellow (who is about 5 years old), but before he can give it to him, the Dad starts to tell his son to be very careful...If he's not careful he'll drop the cone and make a mess...This kind of thing has happened before....He's always doing things in a rush!...If it falls there'll be a big mess!!!....                                                                                         The little boy hears that his father EXPECTS him to drop the cone; he hears the NERVOUSNESS in his father's voice; he believes his father KNOWS EVERYTHING and so HE BECOMES VERY NERVOUS with SHAKING HANDS, (to NOT DROP the cone would make his Dad a LIAR) and of course he finally DROPS the cone on the floor.  The father YELLS and SHAMES the boy for his CLUMSINESS ONCE AGAIN!!  Reinforcing the boy's INSECURITY.

But the father COULD have AVOIDED HURTING the little boy he LOVES.  What if he SAID NOTHING as the shop keeper handed the cone to his son?  Maybe, because the little guy wan't crazed with anxiety from his father's warnings/threats of shame, he would have smoothly held the cone.   Or, perhaps he would have dropped the cone because he really was a clumsy kid.  Would that have been truly a TERRIBLE event?  Would anyone have ended up in the hospital because of this "accident"?  Not at all.  So, the helpful, calm, supportive parent would then get the attention of the counterman, "Excuse me.  We've had a little mishap here and dropped our ice cream.  Could we have some paper towels to help clean up the mess?  And another ice cream cone, please..."  What a different day that is compared to the first story!  The second little boy learns to keep things in perspective; he learns from his Dad that little mishaps aren't a big deal; even though he isn't perfect, things can be fixed.  THE NEXT TIME HE'S HANDED A CONE, HE'S LESS LIKELY TO HAVE A PANIC ATTACK.

Those of you who've met me know that I occasionaly have moments of being "highly strung"!  So when I took my own two daughters to the ice cream shoppe (they were two years old and 10 years old), I couldn't help but anxiously consider the possible ice cream accidents that might be in store for us!  But then, I remembered the vignette described above as we were in the process of being served.  I felt my inner self grow still and calm... What would be would be....That's when my ten year old, handed the cone to her two year old sister in her stroller. As the cone was changing hands, the thought occurred to me:  "That cone is not long for the world..."  But I kept silent.  Sure enough, it quickly slipped from my baby's hands and "plopped" on the floor!  Shocked, the girls both looked at me with expectation of doom.  But they were even more surprised when I CALMLY reassured them that it was "no big deal".  I admit I felt a bit self-conscious, like I had walked into a TV show sitcom and was now on board as an actor.  I strolled back into the ice cream shoppe and suavely explained that we'd had a little accident with the cone outside, and that I needed a replacement cone.  My daughters were beaming when I emerged from the store with a new cone.  And I sensed that their happiness had as much to do with the way their Dad had behaved that day, as it did with the cool sweet treat they were about to enjoy.