To Sleep or Not to Sleep: The Tyrannical Toddler

One of the best shows I've ever seen on TV was a "20/20" episode with Dr. Richard Ferber (of  "Ferber Method to put your child to sleep" fame).  Two-year-old Billie had "trained" his father to put him to sleep by dancing him around the living room to the mellow songs of Lionel Ritchie.  He'd fall asleep in dad's arms and then be put in his crib.  Unfortunately, Billie would awaken in the middle of the night, EVERY night (as EVERY person of every age does every night, usually without remembering it), and NOT go back to sleep until Daddy put on the Lionel Ritchie songs AGAIN and DANCED HIM TO SLEEP!  So Daddy was exhausted (and resentful toward Billie), and Billie was irritable, and there was no end in sight!

Dr. Ferber is called on to help.  He makes a house call.  Using "Psych 101" strategy, he saves the day with a guaranteed success protocol.  He sets up a video cam showing Billie's crib.  Prior to being left in the crib, Billie enjoys the kind of soothing routine recommended in my last blog.  Then "the SHOW" begins:  Once Mom or Dad leaves Billie's room, they can NOT return for 3 minutes; no matter HOW HARD he cries.  When they DO return, they are to comfort him for NO MORE THAN 30 seconds, WITHOUT TOUCHING him.  They leave quickly and can not return for a full 5 minutes, NO MATTER WHAT.  (The live video feed was important for the family to ease THEIR distress as they listened to the boy's hysterical screams.) They should then reenter the room for 30 seconds of verbal soothing ("It's okay Billie....Nighty night...mommy and daddy are right next door...we love you.....sleepy time now.....see you in the morning...").  They must now wait for 10 minutes before the 30 second verbal comforting.  Then 15 minutes.  Then 20 minutes.  Then 25 minutes.  Then 30 minutes.  Then 45 minutes.  Then 50 minutes. Then ONE HOUR.    The parents are warned that it could easily take three or four HOURS the FIRST night of training. If Billie vomits, they MUST NOT DO A FULL LINEN CHANGE OF THE CRIB!  They can do an "express" wipe down of the crib and Billie's pajamas, but NO CLOTHING CHANGE. (If Billie's vomiting gets him taken out of the crib, he is sure to make himself vomit again because HE WAS REWARDED FOR DOING IT!)  They are advised that the time to treatment SUCCESS can take as long as a WEEK. "SUCCESS" is defined as a sleeping baby in LESS THAN a half hour of settling. In reality, it's rare for it to take more than THREE DAYS to CURE and PEACE!

The TV audience watches with the family for several cycles as Billie tantrums in the crib.  Suddenly, Dr. Ferber starts abruptly alert. "Watch!!", he commands, "Look what he's doing!"  Billie is still clearly distressed.  But he's taking action! He picks up his Teddy Bear and throws it to the head of the crib; he picks up his blanket and throws it to the head of the crib; and he does the same with his pillow.  Then he throws himself onto them and into them!  "He's made a nest!" blurts out 

Dr. Ferber, "And now he's burrowed into it  so that he can  comfort himself and get himself to sleep!"

       And THAT's the key to the whole process.  It's wonderful how Billie loves cuddling with his Dad.  But even a toddler MUST begin to have some INDEPENDENCE.  When the boy goes to sleep without PHYSICAL CONTACT with a parent, he has achieved an IMPORTANT MILESTONE of MASTERY.  In order to accomplish this step of "growing up", his parents need to make it possible for him by allowing him to work it through; they must have faith in his ability to tolerate the frustration of not getting it HIS own way.  When he DOES tolerate the frustration and SUCCEEDS in getting to sleep BY HIMSELF, he has GROWN and is STRONGER.  Parents who "feel guilty" letting their child cry at all and so give in to his UNREASONABLE demands, will keep their child WEAK and DEPENDENT.  In fact, children who experience healthy "limit setting" by their parents, feel MORE secure and are HAPPIER, better adjusted  people.

I advise parents to apply the "Ferber" technique as a team.  If they alternate with each other as they go into baby's room for the "30 second reassurance", it shows the baby that BOTH PARENTS insist that he stay in his crib.  So he knows they have both "teamed up" against him. He is more likely to "give up his fight" sooner.  Also, alternating makes the training LESS STRESSFUL for the parents, because they are SHARING the job and have to pay baby his "visits" less often through the evening.

Investing in this effort over a few evenings will pay off for EVERYONE in the family!