Daddy's Shining Moment in the Sun
by Doctor Laurence H. Miller on 02/02/12
"Pick your fights". That's frequently the advice parents get from the experts who "know best" about child rearing. But what does that mean "in the trenches"? In the give and take of "everyday"? Here is a tale of how this Daddy handled one "crisis":
It was a lovely, frigid Sunday in early February which we spent in the luxurious Trump Tower Cafe on Fifth Avenue within the windy skyscraper canyons of Manhattan. My two year old daughter was quite precocious and she felt very grown up in her "elegant" party dress at brunch. When it was time to leave, we strolled out of the restaurant and into the pink marble lobby. But when I offered to help her into her winter coat in preparation to our braving the cold outside, I was reminded of why I called her age/stage "The Tyranical Two's"! "No! No! No!" she pulled away from me. "I don't want it!" "But darling," I reasoned, "It's FREEZING out there. You have to put on your coat. We all have our coats on." She was unconvinced, increasingly indignant, and more adamant by the minute! She would not put on the coat! It quickly became clear that in order to put on her coat, I would have to wrestle her to the pink marble tiled floor! We would struggle together there in tears and sweat, while the fancy people of midtown gawked at us in disdain as they passed us by. My poor baby-girl would be debilitated, humiliated, enraged at our having "disrespected" her, and feel sick with the dreaded "post tantrum" headache! But suddenly, just like in a cartoon, "a little light bulb" went on over my head, and I knew what I had to do to save the day. I looked her in the eyes, calmly, but in deadly earnest, "Are you sure you don't want your coat, because THIS is the last time I'm asking and WE are going into the cold outside RIGHT NOW?" As she balked a last time, I turned on my heel and announced like a General that we were "moving out". My wife is usually the family quarterback, calling the big plays with confidence, but she stared at me in awe, "Larry, are you sure?" After all, it WAS about 15 degrees out there. "Absolutely! Let's go!", and we were suddenly straining against the vicious ice storm of Fifth Avenue. I marched about three steps in front of my little girl, watching the horrified faces of people heading the other way as the sight of what looked like a "half naked" doll came toward them. With my ears straining for her voice, I'd only walked about five feet when I heard her desperate baby-cry: "DADDYYYY!!!" I "stopped on a dime" and turned to find her shamefacedly looking down at the sidewalk with her arm extended upward toward me, silently begging me to wrap her in her coat. ( It was clear from her body language that it was hurting her pride to have to ask to be covered up, after all!) "OH!!", I shouted in mock surprise, " We forgot to put on your coat!!", and I scooped her up, engulfing her in the thick warm wool.
What did my two year old learn from the day's events? Her Mommy and Daddy wanted her to do something, but when she firmly refused, they DID NOT USE THEIR SUPERIOR STRENGTH AND SIZE TO FORCE HER TO COMPLY. So they RESPECTED her NEED for INTEGRITY, to decide FOR HERSELF, WHATEVER HER REASONS.
And they acknowledged her RIGHT to be wrong. It's when we make mistakes, errors in judgement, that we learn the most. Every great, successful person, without exception, had the opportunity to make great, big mistakes on the way to his or her amazing achievement!
And when the little one realized her "terrible" mistake as the "needles" of painful ice air hit her in the face and body, she only needed to call "DADDY!" and I was at her side catching her in my warmth and safety. So she had reason to feel confident and secure as she moved on, choosing HER OWN WAY in NEW ADVENTURES!
And what is MISSING from the little tale? NO ONE FELT THE NEED TO POINT OUT HER ERROR IN JUDGEMENT. To "rub her face in it" and remind her that she had been "difficult" and "foolish" in refusing the coat. What "GOOD" would come of a playback of that videotape in the Trump lobby? Only humiliation, shame and sadness. But we want this little one to feel EMPOWERED by her choices every day. OF COURSE she is going to make mistakes, but that is not only UNAVOIDABLE, it's actually GOOD FOR HER CHARACTER DEVELOPMENT! "It's not that you got knocked down that matters, BUT HOW YOU GOT BACK UP!" Thomas Edison made a point of saying that he had not FAILED 9,999 times when he endlessly chose the wrong metallic alloy while trying to make a light bulb filament, but that he had LEARNED 9,999 ways NOT TO MAKE A LIGHT BULB!! (His 10,000th try was the charm when he finally discovered that Tungsten was just right for the job!)
Later that day, I considered the reason she had declined the winter coat in the first place. My best guess is that my darling was feeling so beautiful in her party dress, so special, that it was painful for her to "cover it up" with the coat. And just as important was the meaning of "putting on the coat": WE WERE LEAVING. IT WAS ENDING. And that was too sad for her. She had wanted it to last and last.
Reviewing the scenario in full, I was too proud for words. It was the battle and the tantrum that never happened because, on that given Sunday, I had played a great "round of chess". And you can be sure I've been "check-mated" by my kids PLENTY of times!
