Time out? Spare the rod and spoil the child?
by Doctor Laurence H. Miller on 03/20/16
What does the above quote from the bible mean? It is almost always referred to as justification for striking a child to teach them moral behavior. But the reference is to a shepherd gently GUIDING his/her flock with a staff, to point out the best way for the sheep to go. Hitting isn't necessary at all. "Limit setting" is an important part of parenting. But it can and should be done without violence. In fact, kids who live in homes where limits are clear and understood are usually happier, and feel more secure and safe. Kids understand that parents know what's best for them and the family.
The American Academy of Pediatrics published a position statement in 2012 clearly discouraging corporal punishment. There is no good reason to cause physical pain to a child in order to improve his/her behavior. There are GOOD reasons not to use corporal punishment:
1. There are more successful ways to help teach your child right from wrong.
Most important is by setting a good example. Kids have eyes and minds like recording machines, and they watch how their parents, the grown ups, behave and are for sure going to imitate what they see. So if parents act in a kind, moral way, their children are bound to do the same eventually as they mature.
When a parent feels a child has done the wrong thing, and needs to learn not to do it again, a short "time out" is effective in teaching consequences of "bad behavior".
A toddler can be placed in a playpen, or in their room, or asked to sit in a corner. The recommended amount of time is ONE MINUTE for each year of a child's age.
The time out should NEVER be in a child's crib because we don't want them to feel they're being punished when they are going to sleep! That bad choice by the parent might cause a sleep disorder.
But even the "time out" method can cause harm to a child when used excessively:
Every time a child feels punished, they are injured in an emotional way. They feel bad about themselves; they feel they are bad; they are unworthy. And they feel anger at whomever is doing the punishing. We want our children and parents to feel warm love for each other. But an excess of anger and hurt is destructive to the positive feelings. So Psychologists advise giving a child 25 hugs and kisses for every time a "time out" is used to stop a child's misbehavior. And the parent is not simply hugging RANDOMLY. They have to see actual good behavior in the child that they are hugging them for!
There are two lessons here:
Avoid time out when you can. A parent should think ahead to protect their kid from frustrating or dangerous situations. Keep the kids out of a room with expensive and delicate items. That SAVES the child from having to refrain from touching or running there.
CATCH THEM BEING GOOD: I wrote about this some years ago (see the item) to describe how most parents don't even see their kids when they are behaving well, playing quietly or politely. If parents make a big deal and praise their little one during these good times, the child is likely to WANT to act that way MOST OF THE TIME. And isn't that what we are hoping for!
2. Corporal punishment is emotionally very damaging to kids. Bruno Bettelheim tells us why in the book I previously recommended, "A Good Enough Parent". For a young child, a parent is a loving protector, all wise. So when a parent hits their child, it is painful AND terribly confusing. Little kids don't KNOW right from wrong yet, so they are shocked and feel badly BETRAYED when their PROTECTOR is harming them. They can't understand it. And it damages the relationship between parent and child because TRUST is lost.
The pain and confusion the child feels from these feelings of betrayal, often causes the child to "bury" the hurt and feeling of betrayal. So they "bury" their feeling that they were treated unjustly, and tell themselves that their being hit by the parent WAS deserved. And that it "didn't do them any harm". And then the cycle of violence against a child is CONTINUED when that child grows up and treats THEIR child the same way. Violence by a parent against their child is NEVER justified because it is MORALLY WRONG and because IT DOES NOT WORK to help the child learn good behavior.
