"Mom always liked you best!"--Tommy Smothers, 1965

But is this a new phenomenon?  Another "plague" of modern society?  Apparently it's been around for quite awhile.  There are multiple examples in THE BIBLE  in which our ancient ancestors had serious problems with their brothers.  The story of Cain and Able is that of a tragic fratricide, resulting from Cain's resentment of Able's sacrifice to the Lord being acceptable, while his was found wanting, not worthy.  Then there's Isaac and Ishmael, with Abraham favoring Isaac so that he sends Ishmael and his mother away.  Isaac had twin sons, Esau and Jacob.  But their mother, Rachel, loved Jacob  more!  So she connived to get Jacob his father's inheritance, CHEATING HER OLDER CHILD Esau, HER OWN SON.

And we mustn't forget Joseph, the interpreter of dreams (an early Freud?), who is SOLD INTO SLAVERY IN EGYPT BY HIS BROTHERS because their father Jacob  favored Joseph.  Subtly, this story shows the progress of their "civilization", since this group of brothers rejected the plan of killing Joseph, because they would have "felt guilty" if they took his life outright!  The consequence of their "mercy" leads to their own survival much later, when their land is suffering famine, and Joseph, now Prime Minister of all Egypt, welcomes their families into his kingdom.  This is a great example of that old saw:  What goes around comes around!   Do good deeds out of SELF interest, because your goodness could very well come back to benefit you in a real way.

Bruno Bettleheim, in his classic "A Good Enough Parent", explains that sibling rivalry exists because succeeding at being "the favorite" would have given survival advantage to those babies over the eons of human evolution.  Let me give an example. Suppose Mr. and Mrs. Jones have a three year old daughter, Alexa.  If there were a fire in their home in the middle of the night, they'd know exactly what they had to do:  get Alexa out of the house.

But suppose we change the story now and give Alexa a baby brother Danny and send Daddy out of town on a business trip.  Now a night-time emergency poses a terrible quandry for Mother.  Whom does she rescue first?  She loves both children to pieces.  But she can only rescue one child at a time!  Her pressured decision could be a matter of life or death!  

THIS is the crux of the problem.  And young children (and older children subconsiously) really "get" this.  You can reassure them endlessly, but they'll still be anxious.  "Am I getting my fair share?" "Does he play the instrument better than I do? I have to be better!" ( Hilary and Jackie is the heartbreakingly brilliant film of the life of gifted cellist Jacqueline Du Pre.  Her obsession as a young child to practice her music came from the need to keep up with her talented older sister.  It is obvious that she never would have attained the heights of her art without the drive that came from her need to compete with her sister.)

 The arrival of a new baby can be unnerving for a toddler sib.  In "Rugrats", Angelica explains to Tommy Pickles that since a new baby has been brought home, Tommy will be moved out of the house to stay with their dog, Spike, in the backyard doghouse.  Tommy believes her.  For all he knows, there was another kid in the house staying there until Tommy came along, and then that first kid got bumped out!  So now it will be Tommy's turn to "move on".  With that in mind, it's reasonable for Tommy to "act out", with problem behaviors appearing.

Consequently, the toddler is very likely to have early resentment/hostility towards the newly arrived newborn.  As explained above, it is normal.  It may be normal, but it has to be dealt with.  The older sib can not be permitted to act on his aggressive feelings towards the newborn.  That would be emotionally damaging to the older child as well as the poor baby getting hurt.  But it's a good idea to allow him to express his hostility in an indirect manner.  Freud called this healthy release of pent up emotion displacement.  We can call it "blowing off steam" because it really does feel better to release the built up pressure. In The Magic Years, psychologist Selma Fraiberg describes her advice to a friend to buy "Puncho", the blow-up clown figure, a toy designed to be pummeled by little kids. Fraiberg advised the purchase because her friend's toddler, Lawrie, felt compelled to hit his new baby sister, Karen. The problem is that the little fellow can't "use his words" to express his occasional feelings of hostility towards the baby.  At 28 months old, he can't speak his emotions. So he hits and pinches.  Fraiberg's friend is instructed to offer the toy as a stand-in so Lawrie can inflict harm on it instead of the baby. But the next day, the friend complained to Fraiberg that the plan was a failure.  Little Lawrie still wanted to hit baby Karen, but he wouldn't hit Puncho because he LIKED Puncho! The clown was his friend!  "Some psychologist YOU turned out to be!", was the essence of the friend's critique of Fraiberg.  But the psychologist "has an ace" up her sleeve:  "Let's give it a week or so.", she advises.  Loyalties are fickle at two years old and perhaps Puncho will still make the grade as Lawrie's target for his anger.  Sure enough, a few days later, the friend joyfully shares with Fraiberg that she'll soon need to buy another "Puncho";  little Lawrie is now beating the heck out of the toy.  But when he is done with that "work", he's generally calmer, and gentle with his baby sister.  Success!

 Please don't get me wrong.  This sibling relationship is not all "dark".  A big dose of love and true admiration is mixed in.  Nobody makes a baby laugh and delight the way an older sibling can.  The spontaneity and playfulness of a child "turns on" the baby brother or sister like nothing else.  And if the older sib "likes it", whatever it is, it must be good. Whether it's a food being eaten, an activity engaged in, or an item of clothing that's being worn, the baby is likely to go for it, if it's "good enough" for big brother or sister!  Big brother or sister will get a big kick out of being baby's hero, and take great pride in that status.  When handled properly, they will become baby's great protector.   

In regards to "handling", one mistake many parents often make is to insist that young kids learn to share.  If they have a ball that belongs to them and a little relative (or friend) wants to play with it "now", the grown-up will turn to the owner of the treasure and pressure them to "share".  The main problem here is that as young as they may be, the young child has a legalistic view of social engagements: they take things literally.  So if you tell her to "share" with another child, that means giving up sole ownership of her property! 

Now the ball belongs to the other kid as well!  And that would mean a real loss to the original owner. So a two or three year old is likely to revolt in anger at this proposal.   This crisis, then, results from a communication break-down.  What does the grown-up mean to request of the ball owner?  We are only asking that the owner of the toy lend it the other child.  In that case, title to the property, ownership, remains in the hands of the original ball-holder.  The other child is only borrowing it briefly and must return it when done.  Does this sound "over the top", silly?  It is not.  Because the proper use of language we use with young children can matter enormously.  Although there is no guarantee, a revolution in the nursery could be prevented if a child can be convinced peacefully to compromise.  (Try it.  Next time you're in this situation, ask if "Johnny" can borrow the LightSabre toy.  And don't say "share".)

So what kind of sibling rivalry do my kids demonstrate?  Eight years apart, they are very close and loving sisters.  They are real friends.  But there's still some "rivalry" action going on.  Our older daughter was so crazy/excited when the new baby came, having longed for her arrival for so long, she didn't show any real hostility.  What she did express now and then, was concern that we were spoiling her sister, being too accommodating to a youngster's childish demands.  She would sometimes act on her feelings about this to "toughen up" her sister.  

But it was our little one who knocked me over one bedtime when she was four years old.  We'd just finished our sleep routine reading when she asked innocently/wide-eyed, "Daddy, who do you love more?  Me or Darya?"   I was stunned.  Out of the blue.  My mind raced.  I was unprepared for this.  Of course I knew the wrong answer.  One can not tell the asking child that they are the favorite for several reasons. (The only reason an exhausted, foolish parent would do this would be to quickly satisfy the little one and get her off to bed!)  Hopefully, the first is that it is not true.  Hopefully, there is no favorite child in the home.  If a parent foolishly were to tell a child he/she was the favorite, it would likely cause anxiety and guilt in that child.

This would be a conspiracy, a betrayal of the sibling "not favored".  And the child told she was the favorite would carry this "offering" as a burden, like the "mark of Cain".  Not for a second did I consider telling Juliette she was the favorite.  Then, in a flash, I saw my way out of the dilemma:  tell the girl the truth.  I replied, "I'm sorry, darling, there is no answer to that question."  She was taken aback, really surprised, and a little bit peeved.  She was used to my having all the answers she needed. (Well, most of the time.) She said, "What do you mean?  It's either her or me!"  To which I replied, "No, honey, you know there are some questions without answers, like: How high is the sky?  Well, this is one of those questions. All I can say is that I love you both very very much.  I guess I do love you both differently, since you're different people, but not one more than the other."  But she had to try one last time, "Come on!  You can tell me!", she exhorted. "If it's me, fine; if it's her, I can take it!"

The moment was surreal. .  I felt like I'd stepped into a Soap Opera with a twenty-four year old!  But I held my ground, and she went off to sleep, grumbling.

Five years later, when she was nine years old, I recounted the story to her, and she laughed with pleasure at the precocious, persistent baby she had been. "Did I really say that?"  Then, as we were ending our chat, she asked, "So, who do you love better? Me or Darya?"  Two seconds passed, and we both broke into laughter.  (Freud again? With our use of humor to break the tension of sibling competition that still had a germ of existence.)

Frequently, when I pose this question to parents, they fall for the trap I avoided.  You don't want to answer that you love both of them "the same". Even a young child will smell hypocrisy in that answer immediately.  It's impossible to love two children "the same" because they are different people.  So the child will know the parent is uncomfortable with the question, and is trying to hide behind a dishonest answer!